Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
A late weigh in...
So, I am lying in bed with what I assume to be a flu bug, typing this out on my phone. It started with a bad headache yesterday afternoon and morphed into typical flu symptoms by 6pm. I will kindly spare details other than my whole body feels like it has been repeatedly whacked with sledgehammers and large boulders.
I weighed in Monday, down to 222.6 lbs. I am actually happy about that, except for the fact that I now get one less weight watchers point to use. Like that matters right now, when I can barely keep tea down, but its the principle of the thing. Though I guess the entire point of losing weight is to also manage food better, it's also slightly bittersweet - frankly, I love food.
I know I have mentioned this before, but it is true. Food tastes good. It sends plenty of happy receptors loose in my brain when I eat things that are tasty. It calms me when I am stressed or sad. It brings me great joy to make delicious food and share it. My best stress relief is heading out to a restaurant with a girlfriend and getting a really big appetizer plate and drinks and sitting there talking until everything is gone. Embarrassingly enough, I will admit if I am having a moment of emotional distress, I used to swing by a store, buy a few innocuous items like bread and milk, and also pick up a box of donuts and a bag of cheetos and wolf them down in the parking lot before leaving. I am not sure of my desire to do this, because the only thing I ever really accomplished was a horrible stomachache and crippling feelings of guilt and disgust. Regardless, I have done this more times than I care to count or admit.
That is definitely one behavior I have tried hard to change, and mostly succeeded. Lately I haven't craved or really enjoyed eating, so it is much easier to avoid binging. However, I find myself longing for a way to deal with stressors, since I seem to have a predisposition towards anxiety and depression. I am trying to replace my standby of binging with more positive thinking and activities such as exercise or crafting, but it is slow going. For example, I ate half a plate of candies by myself in secret after a series of stressful things occurred this holiday - truck broken down, animals all of the sudden really sick, stepdad in ICU, all over a span of like, 2 days starting Christmas eve. Combined with tons of people over, and me hating the holidays anyway, the fudge and caramel nut stuff seemed a good escape. Granted all it did was make me feel bad about myself once I was done stuffing my face, but there was still something comfortable about the act itself.
Anyway, there is some food for thought. Do you have any bad food behaviors triggered by emotional distress? How do you handle it?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
An Unofficial Weigh In!
I actually wrote this yesterday, but didn't have time to post! For shame on me, right? Cross posted on Life Changes to Increase Our Health. ETA - I weighed myself this morning, and it was 222.6 lbs! Only 77.6 lbs to go ;)
What are your biggest roadblocks to becoming healthy? When I say healthy – I mean a place where you feel fit, energetic, strong, and happy – not necessarily just a number on the scale. When I was around 160 lbs, I still felt healthy, even though I was told it was about 10-30 lbs over my appropriate weight. I was muscular, had a little bit of roundness to me – definitely had curves, but was only just starting to develop a muffin top. I could run or jog for moderate distances without being out of breath – now, I can’t even walk up my stairs without losing my breath. At a slow pace, even. That is how I define my lack of health. Combined with constant aches and pains in my back, shoulders, knees, and feet, and fatigue. While the fatigue may be an issue all it’s own, I still think that how I’ve been living lately is not positively affecting it.
So, I think it might be helpful to list some of the roadblocks we face, and then a possible solution. It might be helpful to see suggestions between the both of us (cuz Kristi, nobody else has taken the bait, damnit), and see if we can utilize them to better our health.
Here I go – some of my roadblocks, off of the top of my head, in no particular order:
• Energy – to exercise, to wake up early to make lunches or even spend a few minutes in the afternoons making food for the next day can sometimes wipe me out
• Convenience – it’s way easier to just order a lunch from the cafeteria down the way as opposed to bringing a lunch. It also has me eating lots of processed foods at home
• Depression – I know this may not make sense, but it affects me a lot. I’m an emotional eater, and when I find myself getting discouraged, I get depressed and figure eff it, and then eat to comfort myself
• The feeling of restriction – I’m a stubborn one, and I hate to be told I can’t have something… especially if I’m telling myself that I can’t have something. I almost want to just be uber defiant (and I usually end up being this way), and just eat what I shouldn’t have. Then, I get discouraged, then depressed, and it all starts over again.
• Negative self talk – whether it’s “you’re so fat or disgusting,” or “you can’t do this, you suck,” or any variance – it all leads me to depression, which fuels the negative self talk, and so on and so forth. I have this fear that my excessively hot husband will realize what a fat disgusting blob I am, and that’s usually where that stuff comes from.
So – those are a few just off of the top of my head, that only I can affect. For example - Tyler can reassure me til he passes out that he thinks I’m beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, sexy, etc etc etc (and he does, since he’s amazing), but until I can learn to take those compliments, they do me no good. Only I can choose to set aside time in the morning or evening to make a quick but healthy lunch. Only I can choose to exercise – whether or not I’m tired. FYI – I was falling over exhausted last night but still made myself do 30 minutes on the elliptical. It was pure torture, but some of the best sleep that I’ve had in a loooong while, and I actually woke up with some energy today.
So, here are some possible small solutions that I can implement:
• Energy – I will work on my sleep schedule, going to bed no later than 9:30 pm, and waking up no earlier than 4:30 am, for a solid 7 hours of sleep. I will take vitamins and eat adequate and healthy amounts of proteins and carbs to help as well.
• Convenience - I will pre-plan quick, easy, healthy, point friendly meals, and have no reason not to make them. I will stock healthy food options that I can whip these healthy meals up with, and get into a routine of preparation.
• Depression - I'll actually take my damned antidepressants. Right now, I'm training myself to do so by taking it in the morning with a glass of Kefir - also a good start to the day.
• Restriction - I'll let myself splurge on occasion, especially while I'm making the food transition. It's not bad to eat yummy, bad for me stuff, it's just bad when that's the only thing that I eat.
• Negative Self Talk - I'll try to redirect this - I'll focus on the goals that I have met, and the fact that I'm doing this in the first place. Babysteps, Bob, babysteps.
The parts of this that I know I'll have trouble with the most are the depression and negative self talk. I don't have a high opinion of myself anyways, which I'm willing to delve into if anyone feels like being totally horrified, lol, but on a more private level - skinny lattes anyone? But, I think everything else is still doable. I really think I just need to keep reminding myself that this is a process, and requires dedication and change, and will be wholly frustrating the entire time - but worth it. I don't care if I"m curvy, have fat, bulges, etc, I just want to feel healthy - physically and emotionally.
What are your biggest roadblocks to becoming healthy? When I say healthy – I mean a place where you feel fit, energetic, strong, and happy – not necessarily just a number on the scale. When I was around 160 lbs, I still felt healthy, even though I was told it was about 10-30 lbs over my appropriate weight. I was muscular, had a little bit of roundness to me – definitely had curves, but was only just starting to develop a muffin top. I could run or jog for moderate distances without being out of breath – now, I can’t even walk up my stairs without losing my breath. At a slow pace, even. That is how I define my lack of health. Combined with constant aches and pains in my back, shoulders, knees, and feet, and fatigue. While the fatigue may be an issue all it’s own, I still think that how I’ve been living lately is not positively affecting it.
So, I think it might be helpful to list some of the roadblocks we face, and then a possible solution. It might be helpful to see suggestions between the both of us (cuz Kristi, nobody else has taken the bait, damnit), and see if we can utilize them to better our health.
Here I go – some of my roadblocks, off of the top of my head, in no particular order:
• Energy – to exercise, to wake up early to make lunches or even spend a few minutes in the afternoons making food for the next day can sometimes wipe me out
• Convenience – it’s way easier to just order a lunch from the cafeteria down the way as opposed to bringing a lunch. It also has me eating lots of processed foods at home
• Depression – I know this may not make sense, but it affects me a lot. I’m an emotional eater, and when I find myself getting discouraged, I get depressed and figure eff it, and then eat to comfort myself
• The feeling of restriction – I’m a stubborn one, and I hate to be told I can’t have something… especially if I’m telling myself that I can’t have something. I almost want to just be uber defiant (and I usually end up being this way), and just eat what I shouldn’t have. Then, I get discouraged, then depressed, and it all starts over again.
• Negative self talk – whether it’s “you’re so fat or disgusting,” or “you can’t do this, you suck,” or any variance – it all leads me to depression, which fuels the negative self talk, and so on and so forth. I have this fear that my excessively hot husband will realize what a fat disgusting blob I am, and that’s usually where that stuff comes from.
So – those are a few just off of the top of my head, that only I can affect. For example - Tyler can reassure me til he passes out that he thinks I’m beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, sexy, etc etc etc (and he does, since he’s amazing), but until I can learn to take those compliments, they do me no good. Only I can choose to set aside time in the morning or evening to make a quick but healthy lunch. Only I can choose to exercise – whether or not I’m tired. FYI – I was falling over exhausted last night but still made myself do 30 minutes on the elliptical. It was pure torture, but some of the best sleep that I’ve had in a loooong while, and I actually woke up with some energy today.
So, here are some possible small solutions that I can implement:
• Energy – I will work on my sleep schedule, going to bed no later than 9:30 pm, and waking up no earlier than 4:30 am, for a solid 7 hours of sleep. I will take vitamins and eat adequate and healthy amounts of proteins and carbs to help as well.
• Convenience - I will pre-plan quick, easy, healthy, point friendly meals, and have no reason not to make them. I will stock healthy food options that I can whip these healthy meals up with, and get into a routine of preparation.
• Depression - I'll actually take my damned antidepressants. Right now, I'm training myself to do so by taking it in the morning with a glass of Kefir - also a good start to the day.
• Restriction - I'll let myself splurge on occasion, especially while I'm making the food transition. It's not bad to eat yummy, bad for me stuff, it's just bad when that's the only thing that I eat.
• Negative Self Talk - I'll try to redirect this - I'll focus on the goals that I have met, and the fact that I'm doing this in the first place. Babysteps, Bob, babysteps.
The parts of this that I know I'll have trouble with the most are the depression and negative self talk. I don't have a high opinion of myself anyways, which I'm willing to delve into if anyone feels like being totally horrified, lol, but on a more private level - skinny lattes anyone? But, I think everything else is still doable. I really think I just need to keep reminding myself that this is a process, and requires dedication and change, and will be wholly frustrating the entire time - but worth it. I don't care if I"m curvy, have fat, bulges, etc, I just want to feel healthy - physically and emotionally.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Last night, I was in a mood... When I got home, I was starving, the dogs kept fighting, I was exhausted, and overwhelmed with the bazillion things I felt I needed to do. So, I took the dogs out to go potty, started on our bathroom project (we're having to scrape wallpaper off of drywall, and it is the most tedious project IN THE UNIVERSE), and went upstairs to start dinner. By the time I had dinner in the oven, as well as lunch for today,my husband came home, tired, dirty, and starving. So, I made him take a shower, and we ended up eating my intended lunch for today for dinner last night - chicken wings with a tuscan spice blend. We paired this with spicy buffalo dip made with sour cream, and potato chips. For good measure, I threw in a couple of diet sodas, too. As well as a cup of lowfat Kefir. The intended dinner ended up in the fridge.
What amazed me - I was only able to eat 2 of the wings, and a handful of chips. What amazed me even more is after I entered it into my weight watchers tracker, I was right on for the points for the day. I figured that my calorie bomb would have pushed me over, but I actually made it. Yay, me. I also took a Vitamin D supplement - my doc wants me to take 50,000 IUs twice a week. She RXd it to me back on 11/4, but it's taken me this long to get on the ball and actually start taking it. I don't take vitamins at all, and probably should - I noticed a few weeks ago that I was losing more hair than normal in the shower, so that's not good.
So, I really need to focus on what exact tools and habits I'm going to use to help me reach my nutritional needs. That'll be for the next blog. I just had to post my amazement that even though I had an epic "IDGAF" attitude towards food last night, it's been the first day this week I've actually not gone over on my points. Weigh in with my Wii Fit on Monday!
What amazed me - I was only able to eat 2 of the wings, and a handful of chips. What amazed me even more is after I entered it into my weight watchers tracker, I was right on for the points for the day. I figured that my calorie bomb would have pushed me over, but I actually made it. Yay, me. I also took a Vitamin D supplement - my doc wants me to take 50,000 IUs twice a week. She RXd it to me back on 11/4, but it's taken me this long to get on the ball and actually start taking it. I don't take vitamins at all, and probably should - I noticed a few weeks ago that I was losing more hair than normal in the shower, so that's not good.
So, I really need to focus on what exact tools and habits I'm going to use to help me reach my nutritional needs. That'll be for the next blog. I just had to post my amazement that even though I had an epic "IDGAF" attitude towards food last night, it's been the first day this week I've actually not gone over on my points. Weigh in with my Wii Fit on Monday!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
An Awkward Introduction....
So, I plan on posting this in conjunction with my *first ever* youtube video, but I'm pretty sure this will end up going up first. This is simply because my phone and I are having an argument over techmology (as my Husband calls it), and it's currently winning. Luckily, My work PC is ship shape, so this can easily be done.
I've been making notes all day trying to figure out what I want to post, what I want to share, discuss, ruminate upon, and my sticky notes are starting to get out of control. So, I am now trying to figure out how to narrow it down, or whether to do a couple of topics per post so I don't bore anyone, and how to convert them into video form. I'm hoping to keep most posts down to maybe 3 paragraphs or so, most videos ideally 5-8 minutes.
So, I'll start with the basics, which I'll go over in my first video. Thanks in advance for reading/watching, and I look forward to hearing feedback and giving feedback as we go through this together.
My name is Rachel - I'm 28 years old, currently hovering around 230 lbs. I've had weight problems all of my life, nothing too horrific, but always 15-20 lbs overweight. I was made fun of as a kid, and as I've aged, I've been asked a few times if I was pregnant, and small snide remarks have been made about my weight by catty aquaintances. Each time this has happened, I've tried to diet and lose weight, usually with small success, but for the most part I've steadily gained weight as opposed to losing.
Some of the diets I've tried - Weight Watchers, the BodyMedia Fit calorie tracking armband, SparkPeople, Nutrisystem, Juicing diets (the Fat/Sick/Nearly Dead), the lemonade diet, saltwater cleanses, SlimFast, the Special K cereal thing, and so on and so forth. Again, I lose a bit here and there, but it all comes back and then some.
Last weekend I helped a friend out with her charity booth, taking pictures of pets with Santa. My dad played Santa, so I had an obligatory test picture taken. That was pretty much the turning point for me - I'll try to figure out how to post the picture once I'm home, but it's bad... really bad. I look like I have a spare tire around my middle. My cheekbones are non existant, and because of my sleep disorder (more on that later), I look exhausted. With all of those things combined, I looked awful. I was horrified, and started crying. My amazing husband calmed me down, and we figured out a plan to help me lose weight and keep it off. He insists he finds me attractive at any weight, but it's hard for me to see that when I have such a negative view of myself. So his support is immensely helpful in all of this.
Anyways - now, on to the options I've been working with/considering. My primary care doctor suggested the lap band to me about a year ago. I balked at first, because I'm one of those folks that is always worried about side effects (insanely so, I'll admit it). However, I'm looking at this option again. I think it would be/could be a really helpful tool in keeping me within controlled portions, and feeling fuller faster. It's covered by my insurance, although I do need a referral. Some of the requirements are a BMI over 35 (I'm at 36.2/226lbs as of my last doctor's visit at the end of last month), and a comorbidity such as sleep apnea or an MSLT score of like, 5 or something.
I did have sleep apnea (still technically do, although it's greatly improved), but had a tonsillectomy/UPPP. I do still have sleep issues though, where I am constantly exhausted during the day, to the point where I will fall asleep sitting up at my desk (I still haven't had the actual results of my MSLT yet though, so I'll have to see where I fall with that). I don't think this is related to the obesity, because I've had sleep issues even when I was smaller, but I do know that it affects my ability to want to/be able to exercise, and tends to lead me to bad food choices - ie high sugar/carb/caffiene to try to perk myself back up.
So, my doc is back in the office on 12/20, and will submit the info then to see if I meet the requirements and can be approved for the surgery. It usually takes 1-2 weeks to find out if I've been approved, and then I will go from there - either on to the lap band surgery, or trying it on my own again, and hopefully making it this time! I go back to see my sleep doc on 12/22 to get the final diagnosis for my sleep issues. All I know at this point is they want to put me on some sort of stimulant during the day, to help even out my energy levels.
In addition to the sleep issues, I also have problems with edema in my left leg. I have low blood pressure, so I'm not able to take diuretics to try to decrease the swelling, because that just causes me to swell absolutely everywhere. Whenever I exert myself (I walked a 7 mile race one year), my fingers, feet, and ankles swell so badly that I can barely move them at the joints. I avoid salt for the most part, and use it sparingly when it does come into play.
This post is getting pretty long, so I'll get down to the rest of the basics - starting with my goals. My goal is to get back down to my highschool/college weight of 143-160 lbs. I know for me, that this is a healthy weight. I have a larger frame, very broad shoulders and hips, so I know that anything less than that and I would start to look emaciated. Plus, I do find curves very sexy, and I know my husband does too, so I don't want to lose too much! (especially not my boobs, lol!)
So, in following Shanika (From230lbsto130lbs on Youtube - I hope I spelled your name right, I'll have to edit this when I get home!), here are some mini goals to wrap this up. I am giving my body 2 weeks to adjust to the changes, and then it's on like Tron:
Starting weight: 226 at the doctor's office 11/4/11 - I KNOW this has gone up
12/12/11 - Start Weight Watchers - 3 month trial to see if it works
12/19 - Start exercising 3x/week on the elliptical, 30 minutes on program 1
12/26 - 225 lbs
1/2 220 lbs
1/9 215 lbs
1/16 210 lbs
1/23 205 lbs
1/30 200 lbs - reward - new piercing (ears or nose - what d'ya think?)
2/6 195 lbs
2/13 190 lbs
2/20 185 lbs
2/27 180 lbs
3/5 175 lbs - reward - new tattoo!
3/12 170 lbs
At this date, I'll be at the 3 month mark with Weight Watchers, so I can see if it was any help at all. The Weight Watchers is something that I had to do anyways to meet criteria to have lap band surgery, so hopefully I'm killing two birds with one stone here. I'd much prefer to do it on my own, obviously, but again I think the lap band would be a good tool for me to use on this journey. If I don't qualify, oh well, I'll still go at it.
My goals are sort of lofty - usually you should shoot for around 2-3 lbs a week for healthy weight loss, and I'm hoping for 5. However, I'm going to be gentle yet firm with myself - I need to stay motivated and keep doing this, but if I don't meet my specific goals at each date, it isn't the end of the world, I just need to keep plodding on.
All in all, that is my intro. I'll go more into how I plan on reaching my goals and smaller revelations I've had in other blog posts. Thanks for reading, and wish me luck! I really want another tattoo, dang it!
I've been making notes all day trying to figure out what I want to post, what I want to share, discuss, ruminate upon, and my sticky notes are starting to get out of control. So, I am now trying to figure out how to narrow it down, or whether to do a couple of topics per post so I don't bore anyone, and how to convert them into video form. I'm hoping to keep most posts down to maybe 3 paragraphs or so, most videos ideally 5-8 minutes.
So, I'll start with the basics, which I'll go over in my first video. Thanks in advance for reading/watching, and I look forward to hearing feedback and giving feedback as we go through this together.
My name is Rachel - I'm 28 years old, currently hovering around 230 lbs. I've had weight problems all of my life, nothing too horrific, but always 15-20 lbs overweight. I was made fun of as a kid, and as I've aged, I've been asked a few times if I was pregnant, and small snide remarks have been made about my weight by catty aquaintances. Each time this has happened, I've tried to diet and lose weight, usually with small success, but for the most part I've steadily gained weight as opposed to losing.
Some of the diets I've tried - Weight Watchers, the BodyMedia Fit calorie tracking armband, SparkPeople, Nutrisystem, Juicing diets (the Fat/Sick/Nearly Dead), the lemonade diet, saltwater cleanses, SlimFast, the Special K cereal thing, and so on and so forth. Again, I lose a bit here and there, but it all comes back and then some.
Last weekend I helped a friend out with her charity booth, taking pictures of pets with Santa. My dad played Santa, so I had an obligatory test picture taken. That was pretty much the turning point for me - I'll try to figure out how to post the picture once I'm home, but it's bad... really bad. I look like I have a spare tire around my middle. My cheekbones are non existant, and because of my sleep disorder (more on that later), I look exhausted. With all of those things combined, I looked awful. I was horrified, and started crying. My amazing husband calmed me down, and we figured out a plan to help me lose weight and keep it off. He insists he finds me attractive at any weight, but it's hard for me to see that when I have such a negative view of myself. So his support is immensely helpful in all of this.
Anyways - now, on to the options I've been working with/considering. My primary care doctor suggested the lap band to me about a year ago. I balked at first, because I'm one of those folks that is always worried about side effects (insanely so, I'll admit it). However, I'm looking at this option again. I think it would be/could be a really helpful tool in keeping me within controlled portions, and feeling fuller faster. It's covered by my insurance, although I do need a referral. Some of the requirements are a BMI over 35 (I'm at 36.2/226lbs as of my last doctor's visit at the end of last month), and a comorbidity such as sleep apnea or an MSLT score of like, 5 or something.
I did have sleep apnea (still technically do, although it's greatly improved), but had a tonsillectomy/UPPP. I do still have sleep issues though, where I am constantly exhausted during the day, to the point where I will fall asleep sitting up at my desk (I still haven't had the actual results of my MSLT yet though, so I'll have to see where I fall with that). I don't think this is related to the obesity, because I've had sleep issues even when I was smaller, but I do know that it affects my ability to want to/be able to exercise, and tends to lead me to bad food choices - ie high sugar/carb/caffiene to try to perk myself back up.
So, my doc is back in the office on 12/20, and will submit the info then to see if I meet the requirements and can be approved for the surgery. It usually takes 1-2 weeks to find out if I've been approved, and then I will go from there - either on to the lap band surgery, or trying it on my own again, and hopefully making it this time! I go back to see my sleep doc on 12/22 to get the final diagnosis for my sleep issues. All I know at this point is they want to put me on some sort of stimulant during the day, to help even out my energy levels.
In addition to the sleep issues, I also have problems with edema in my left leg. I have low blood pressure, so I'm not able to take diuretics to try to decrease the swelling, because that just causes me to swell absolutely everywhere. Whenever I exert myself (I walked a 7 mile race one year), my fingers, feet, and ankles swell so badly that I can barely move them at the joints. I avoid salt for the most part, and use it sparingly when it does come into play.
This post is getting pretty long, so I'll get down to the rest of the basics - starting with my goals. My goal is to get back down to my highschool/college weight of 143-160 lbs. I know for me, that this is a healthy weight. I have a larger frame, very broad shoulders and hips, so I know that anything less than that and I would start to look emaciated. Plus, I do find curves very sexy, and I know my husband does too, so I don't want to lose too much! (especially not my boobs, lol!)
So, in following Shanika (From230lbsto130lbs on Youtube - I hope I spelled your name right, I'll have to edit this when I get home!), here are some mini goals to wrap this up. I am giving my body 2 weeks to adjust to the changes, and then it's on like Tron:
Starting weight: 226 at the doctor's office 11/4/11 - I KNOW this has gone up
12/12/11 - Start Weight Watchers - 3 month trial to see if it works
12/19 - Start exercising 3x/week on the elliptical, 30 minutes on program 1
12/26 - 225 lbs
1/2 220 lbs
1/9 215 lbs
1/16 210 lbs
1/23 205 lbs
1/30 200 lbs - reward - new piercing (ears or nose - what d'ya think?)
2/6 195 lbs
2/13 190 lbs
2/20 185 lbs
2/27 180 lbs
3/5 175 lbs - reward - new tattoo!
3/12 170 lbs
At this date, I'll be at the 3 month mark with Weight Watchers, so I can see if it was any help at all. The Weight Watchers is something that I had to do anyways to meet criteria to have lap band surgery, so hopefully I'm killing two birds with one stone here. I'd much prefer to do it on my own, obviously, but again I think the lap band would be a good tool for me to use on this journey. If I don't qualify, oh well, I'll still go at it.
My goals are sort of lofty - usually you should shoot for around 2-3 lbs a week for healthy weight loss, and I'm hoping for 5. However, I'm going to be gentle yet firm with myself - I need to stay motivated and keep doing this, but if I don't meet my specific goals at each date, it isn't the end of the world, I just need to keep plodding on.
All in all, that is my intro. I'll go more into how I plan on reaching my goals and smaller revelations I've had in other blog posts. Thanks for reading, and wish me luck! I really want another tattoo, dang it!
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