Last Week’s Weight:
221.4
This week’s weight
222.4
YARGH.
Be forewarned –
“feelings” and “emotions” below.
According to my
tracker, I’m losing an average of .3 lbs/week. Which again, isn’t bad, but when
I started I was losing 2.5 lbs/week on average. This is so incredibly
frustrating to me! I am tracking points, not overeating, drinking ridiculous
amounts of water, and I even started exercising a bit in the form of taking my
dog for walks. I’m hoping that it’s just water weight from walking the dog (my
foot and ankle are crazy swollen right now) from walking Jake, but I’m not so
sure it is. I know that I’m feeling it in my shins, for sure. I’m working on
stretching, and also using some cross friction fiber across the ligaments
themselves, but nothing seems to be helping quite yet. My legs have been
relatively skinny for the past week or so, so I’m feeling extra grumpy that
they’re swollen and grotesque looking again. I feel SO self conscious about it.
Anyways, self
consciousness semi aside – last Thursday I went to the Weight Loss Surgery
seminar at Deaconess Rockwood. It’s the first step towards being considered for
review for weight loss surgery. It was a 2 hour long seminar, and I actually
learned quite a bit. When I get home, I may post my answers to the questions I
had last week. But basically, I learned I’ll have to be off of work for about a
week, and considered “good as new” 6 weeks after surgery. I will be able to eat
half a cup of food at a time, and will probably eat around 5 half cup meals a
day. I can be expected to lose an average of 48% of my excess body weight (I am
roughly 60 lbs overweight, so that would be 28.8 lbs), but could definitely lose
more with exercise and proper nutrition. I got to see a sample of the band,
pictures of where scarring would be, and they also went over some of the scarier
side effects and their occurrence within their practice (virtually nothing). The
only thing that I didn’t’ like so much is that they recommend waiting 18-24
months after surgery before trying to get pregnant, and if I were to have
surgery, the soonest I could get it done would be June… so I’d have to wait a
bit longer than originally planned to start trying. So instead of June 2013,
it’d be January or June of 2014, but the surgeon says it varies from person to
person. I should mention Tyler is totally against me having the surgery.
I did turn in my
paperwork so that I can at least have a consultation with one of the surgeons,
and see if I qualify, when I can try for kids, what might be best for me, etc.
It was so strangely emotional watching the presentation – I had this mix of hope
and fear, all at once, and felt like crying the ENTIRE time. I just know that I
want to lose my excess weight so bad, one way or another… sigh.
Back to my negative
self talk – I have been just totally disgusted with myself as of late, from my
weight to my appearance overall. It’s really disheartening, but I feel like an
incredibly self-depreciating Eeyore or something. I’m mostly doing stuff to
distract myself like sew, but I’m finding anything that involves expending
energy is pretty difficult, since I’m so tired from being depressed. But – I
took Jakey for a walk as I mentioned, and that put both he and I in brighter
spirits, as well as tiring us both out – so it’s my goal to try to walk him at
least 3 days a week, preferably daily, so I’m prepared for Bloomsday and also
have a way to make myself too tired to be sad. Fake it til you make it, right?
I’m just tired of being back to that place where I feel like constantly
crying.
I’ve been talking
with a few people close to me about what it’s like for me to be overweight. I
don’t know if that vulnerability in sharing is making me more emotional, or
what. I’m proud of what I’ve done so far weight wise, but I am just so
frustrated that I have reached a plateau. Most of the people I know around me
are skinny, and they are constantly obsessing over food, portions, exercise,
etc, one even to the point of anorexia. It doesn’t seem healthy to me the way
that they do it… I’m trying not to name names, because some of them may read
this blog, lol – but it’s frustrating to see/hear them so worried about a figure
that is either underweight or at most a few pounds overweight… and then when my
weight is brought up, I always hear “Oh, no! You look awesome! You’re not fat!”
My dad said this the other day, and then said “Wait –how much do you weigh,
since you’re always so worried about it?” My answer – 224. His response “Woah.
That’s 60 lbs more than me!” Errr…. Thanks, Dad. =/ He didn’t mean any harm by
it, but it still kinda stung. But anyways, nobody I’ve talked with thus far
really seems to support my decision for weight loss surgery except for Doe, so
that’s frustrating in and of itself. Everyone is worried about the physical
risks and timing, or as one person helpfully put it “I was going to suggest that
you get it done, but wait to have a kid first!”
So, anyways, that’s
going to be my update for now. I’ve done enough self pitying and whining for
now.
