So, I've obviously been really bad at updating. It's been almost two weeks (12 days, to be exact) since I posted anything at all. Whoops. I've been somewhat of a slug lately, family drama and stress has rendered me pretty much nonfunctional. Which is lame. I contacted my doc and she gave me the go ahead to up my antidepressant, and it seems to be helping thus far. I'm pretty cracked out while I'm adjusting, but at least I'm able to move around and do things. Before, I'd been getting up, going through the motions at work, and then coming home and basically staring at the wall until Tyler made me go to bed.

The good thing in all of this (I suppose), is I haven't been eating much. Again, when I do, it's been absolute crap, but I've still maintained my weight from 12 days ago. I'm at 219.8 as of this morning, so I technically put on .2 lbs, but I'm not going to wig out over that. I haven't been exercising at all, so it's pretty impressive that I haven't wavered much.

I'm going to try to start p90x again this week, but I'll have to see how that goes. I've pretty much lost any enthusiasm for it as my stress levels are increasing. I know it would be an amazing stress release to expend that much energy, but again, I've just been barely functioning outside of going through the motions, so I'll probably have to start slow again. That's frustrating, but in a way, I'm apathetic right now. It goes back to my list of things that are preventing me from reaching my weight loss goals - depression and negative self talk. I had hoped to be down to 205 by this time on my original goal timeline, and I'm 14lbs off. I need to get on my game, damnit!

I lost!

So, I'm going to try to get better about posting updates. We'll see how that goes. I also need to figure out what on earth is going on with my lack of html lately in this as well as my other blog.

As noted from my last post, this hasn't been a very good week for me food wise. I've eaten sporadically, and when I have, it's been absolute crud - fast food, pizza, high fat, high sugar comfort foods that are easily obtainable. I admit it - yes, yes I do. I haven't exercised one bit other than cleaning my mom's house like a crazy person and running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. However... dun dun dun... I lost weight. No idea how. Officially at the doc's office Friday I was 225.6, confirmed on my home scale. Today, I am 219.6, as of about 5 this morning. Pretty happy about that - a full six lbs. I'm tracking my points religiously now, even when I eat shit food, and I'm getting better at staying within my daily points, and definitely using a smaller portion of my weeklies when and if I do go over.

I went back and found some info showing that I'd done weight watchers from Feb 10-Feb 11, and obviously didn't lose anything - however, they don't still have my tracking records, and I was only able to find records from like, September 10 to Feb 11 showing that they'd taken payment for my online membership. I emailed my doc the info - I don't know if that will make any difference or not in the lap band process since she wanted proof I'd done weight watchers for 6 months... otherwise she doesn't want to see me until June. That's all well and good, too - if I can truly lose the weight myself, I'm going to do it. I'm going to try my hardest, for sure. I just want to get it done one way or another. I'm tired of feeling so icky.

I am actually semi on track for my weight loss goals anyways - I was surprised. I looked back on myafirst blog entry at my goals, and I'd wanted to be down to 215 by yesterday's date. I'm at 219.6 - so at least I'm below the 220s at this point! The last time I was anywhere near that was the tonsillectomy period, where I simply couldn't eat. So, here's to hoping I can continue to lose at a reasonable pace. I mentioned last time as well - my tattoo with Patrick is March 30th, and I'd like to be down to around 175 by then. 90 days to lose 45 lbs might be pushing it, but I'm still determined to at least try.

In other news, which could possibly impede my weight loss, I am looking again for some form of part time employment. We have overtime through the end of January, but between holidays and bereavement, I'll only get about 10 hours total of overtime pay, the rest will be straight pay. I'll take what I can get, though. I'm working on my debt snowball, and we're a bit behind - I want to get caught up and ahead! I did get my w2 today though, so that's a start. I have so many goals that I want to reach this year... ack.

I am not going to lie...

This has been an awful week. I started out well, and with the best intentions, as I always do, but as the week wore on, my eating habits sort of slid into a deep, dark hole. My stepdad passed away Thursday morning, and it started then. I had woken up in an amazing mood, made a delicious breakfast sandwich, packed a healthy lunch and healthy snacks, and went out the door. When I got to work, I noticed that I had a missed call from my mom. I called back, and he'd had a massive bleed and was on ventilators. So, I left to be with her, as he'd been given only 2 hours to live. His heart hadn't been beating on its own for over an hour, and it was only a matter of time. I dropped my breakfast, lunch, and snacks off at my dad's, told him what happened, and left - I had no appetite. So, I went out to be with her. Once we got the call that he'd passed, the family that gathered and I went into autopilot. We started helping her to clean her house and get things in order. Cleaned from 9-4, I'm sure I burned quite a few calories in the process. Didn't eat anything until 4, when someone handed me two cheeseburgers and told me to eat, so I did. First meal of the day at 4pm. I left at 430, unloaded stuff at the dump and Goodwill, and ordered a pizza on my way home. Ate 3 slices, drank a 20 oz diet dr pepper, and then we went to bed. Friday morning I drove back out (she lives in Rathdrum which is about an hour away). I took a banana and string cheese, ate them on the way. We went to the funeral home, went to the county to pick up an app for assistance to help with the cremation, stopped at the store, and then I dropped her off and came home. While I was at her house though, I ate a donut - at the store I grabbed some fancy lunchable and a low cal fruit drink. Went to my doctor's appointment, grabbed Burger King on the way home. I had a fishwich and onion rings and a med regular dr pepper. I promptly had a nervous breakdown and spent the next two hours freaking out while Tyler calmed me down We made popcorn later in the evening, and I had some reeses peanut butter cups, too, and a chocolate milk and watched six episodes of American Horror Story. Today - well, I could barely get out of bed. Usually I'm up by 7 at the latest on the weekends, and Tyler finally got me up at 10, asking if I was okay. We had scrambled eggs and an english muffin for breakfast, Velveeta Shells and cheese for lunch, more popcorn and reeses, koolaid, and Azteca (including 2 pomegranate martinis) for dinner. Currently taking shots of goldschlager and preparing to curl up in front of the fire with Tyler and the doggies. Tomorrow, I plan on starting p90x again. We're also starting on our proper eating again. I have pulled out a half pound of squash from the freezer to make a squash/pumpkin soup, along with some containers of chicken and beef stew that I'd made earlier. We're also going to make some 13 bean chili and a lentil chili that Shannon gave us for Christmas. SO, needless to say, I'm having a bit of a downward spiral. I know it's not good to let myself fall into this, since I'm prone to depressions already, but we're calling it my "few days to breathe." Then, I start over again tomorrow. I have Monday off, so I just need to pack healthy foods for when I'm out helping Mom with everything, and then make sure to eat well when I get home. As for my doctor's appointment - I have mixed feelings. I spoke with my doctor, and she's given me the criteria, but won't put a referral in until June. She wants me to go through 6 months of Weight Watchers tracking as well as six visits with the nutrition specialist and of course, exercise. I'm not very optimistic though - I've tried weight watchers before with no results, modified my eating before with no results, but maybe combined with the p90x, I'll be good to go. I don't know... but it sucked to get the news that we're delaying the possibility for another 6 months when I feel like I've been trying so hard already. To increase my determination, I have my next tattoo scheduled for March 30th at 2pm. My goal is to be 50 lbs down by then. Between eating and exercise, I should be good... as long as I don't eat like I have the last few days, that is. I'll post a vlog update soon, and hopefully be better about updating this on Mondays. It's really frustrating when I can't access blogger from work - I never want to get back on the computer once I'm home.

Ringing in the New Year

Cross posted at Life Changes to Increase Our Health

Okay, so I see Kristi had the same idea that I did :) I woke up this morning and was like - I'm TOTALLY posting!

So, here's the downlow. It's 2012. Officially, irrevocably, so that means it's on like Tron. Weighed myself first thing, 224.8 - same as yesterday, but I'm kinda grumpy about it, because honestly - who the heck gains weight when they have the flu? SERIOUSLY? Anyways, it's a bit below my all time high of 230, but it needs to be much lower. I was calculating it last night, and if I lose 5% of that, I'll be down to 210. I haven't seen that for 2 years! I almost met it when I had the tonsillectomy and couldn't eat anything for two weeks, but that's not a viable diet, unfortunately.

Today, Tyler and I are planning on starting a Beachbody series of exercises. It's most likely going to be the P90x, so I'm preparing myself for 13 weeks of hell. I've read reviews on Amazon (sort of my go-to if you haven't noticed), and they mention puking your guts out for the first couple of weeks while your body adjusts, and feeling like you want to die. My knee is already acting up because of who-knows-what... it was fine when I had been doing the elliptical, but I think I tweaked something in my lower left back and it's affecting my knee. Yes, I shall whine thoroughly about this. It makes me walk funny and I can't really squat down to pick stuff up. So, I'm scared of the lunges and squats portion, even more so because this is the leg that I characteristically have the horrific edema in. I bought a knee brace that had pretty good reviews on Amazon, so I have it on right now for the extra stabilization. I know once I strengthen my core, I should be better, but dang, color me concerned and pre-whiny at this point.

I have a pretty set weight loss plan as well, I hope to be down to 170 by March 30th. I should be able to do it between Weight Watchers, exercise, and utilizing my elliptical and my BodyMediaFit armband. It's going to be lots of tracking and nitpicking myself, but dang, I want to do it. My doc and I are still pursuing (or re-pursuing) the possibility of a lap band though. I know it might seem drastic, but honestly - if it's covered by my insurance (which it is), it could be another great tool for helping me to lose weight and maintain it. So, Wednesday I have an appointment with a nutritionist (the first visit of six, I'm not sure if they're all pre-op yet), and then I meet with my primary doc on Friday to see if we can get the ball rolling. If we can't -at least I have 4 approved visits with a nutritionist, and she can be a valuable resource as well. So, I'm chronicling this on my youtube channel , if anybody other than Kristi wants to check it out ;)

We're also going through our cupboards, and trying to eat the crappy stuff now (or get rid of it), so that we can start replacing it with healthier fare. You'd be proud, we only have one box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese left, lol. Most of the pre-mixed stuff that we have left is now low fat/high fiber or fat free/high fiber, low sodium, etc. It's rough going, but we'll do it. It's a lifestyle change - I know it probably doesn't seem like it, because I'm just getting rid of Mac and Cheese, but Tyler and I both rely on easy to make foods... I usually only make the homemade stuff on the weekends or evenings. So, it will be a behavior change and an adjustment. We're also going to attempt to eschew the purchase of fast food. We'll start with a month, January, and go from there. I don't want to point fingers, but Tyler is a bigger offender here than I am, since he is on the road daily, and rarely packs a lunch. So, that oughta be interesting. I use Mint.com to track our finances, and on food/groceries last month, we spent $1300. The amount of our mortgage. Granted, part of that was grocery shopping for non food items as well, but a large portion was fast food/restaurants. I hope to cut that at least in half by this month. It's ridiculous to spend that much on stuff that isn't organic, isn't healthy, etc.

I also have a few non-fitness goals that I want to attain, first and foremost to set up my craft room so I can get going. I figure I can spend an hour a day sewing, scrapping, whatever, and an hour working out - which order should I do them in? =/ I have my new planner for the year - bought it last night before watching The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - pretty good, btw, not entirely true to the book, and I was kinda pissed at the changes they made because they were so blatant, but I will definitely see the next two when they're released. Ate a shit ton of popcorn, drank a large (44 oz??) cherry coke by myself. We had Oysters, Asparagus, Jalapeno Poppers, and rolls with homemade tapenade for dinner, and a few drinks. We were soundly asleep before the new year.

Anyways, that's all I've got. I just finished signing up for Bloomsday - the email was in my inbox bright and early encouraging me to register, so I did it! Between that and my highschool reunion, I'm determined to be FIT this year!

Best to all of you, and WE CAN DO THIS!