I am not going to lie...

This has been an awful week. I started out well, and with the best intentions, as I always do, but as the week wore on, my eating habits sort of slid into a deep, dark hole. My stepdad passed away Thursday morning, and it started then. I had woken up in an amazing mood, made a delicious breakfast sandwich, packed a healthy lunch and healthy snacks, and went out the door. When I got to work, I noticed that I had a missed call from my mom. I called back, and he'd had a massive bleed and was on ventilators. So, I left to be with her, as he'd been given only 2 hours to live. His heart hadn't been beating on its own for over an hour, and it was only a matter of time. I dropped my breakfast, lunch, and snacks off at my dad's, told him what happened, and left - I had no appetite. So, I went out to be with her. Once we got the call that he'd passed, the family that gathered and I went into autopilot. We started helping her to clean her house and get things in order. Cleaned from 9-4, I'm sure I burned quite a few calories in the process. Didn't eat anything until 4, when someone handed me two cheeseburgers and told me to eat, so I did. First meal of the day at 4pm. I left at 430, unloaded stuff at the dump and Goodwill, and ordered a pizza on my way home. Ate 3 slices, drank a 20 oz diet dr pepper, and then we went to bed. Friday morning I drove back out (she lives in Rathdrum which is about an hour away). I took a banana and string cheese, ate them on the way. We went to the funeral home, went to the county to pick up an app for assistance to help with the cremation, stopped at the store, and then I dropped her off and came home. While I was at her house though, I ate a donut - at the store I grabbed some fancy lunchable and a low cal fruit drink. Went to my doctor's appointment, grabbed Burger King on the way home. I had a fishwich and onion rings and a med regular dr pepper. I promptly had a nervous breakdown and spent the next two hours freaking out while Tyler calmed me down We made popcorn later in the evening, and I had some reeses peanut butter cups, too, and a chocolate milk and watched six episodes of American Horror Story. Today - well, I could barely get out of bed. Usually I'm up by 7 at the latest on the weekends, and Tyler finally got me up at 10, asking if I was okay. We had scrambled eggs and an english muffin for breakfast, Velveeta Shells and cheese for lunch, more popcorn and reeses, koolaid, and Azteca (including 2 pomegranate martinis) for dinner. Currently taking shots of goldschlager and preparing to curl up in front of the fire with Tyler and the doggies. Tomorrow, I plan on starting p90x again. We're also starting on our proper eating again. I have pulled out a half pound of squash from the freezer to make a squash/pumpkin soup, along with some containers of chicken and beef stew that I'd made earlier. We're also going to make some 13 bean chili and a lentil chili that Shannon gave us for Christmas. SO, needless to say, I'm having a bit of a downward spiral. I know it's not good to let myself fall into this, since I'm prone to depressions already, but we're calling it my "few days to breathe." Then, I start over again tomorrow. I have Monday off, so I just need to pack healthy foods for when I'm out helping Mom with everything, and then make sure to eat well when I get home. As for my doctor's appointment - I have mixed feelings. I spoke with my doctor, and she's given me the criteria, but won't put a referral in until June. She wants me to go through 6 months of Weight Watchers tracking as well as six visits with the nutrition specialist and of course, exercise. I'm not very optimistic though - I've tried weight watchers before with no results, modified my eating before with no results, but maybe combined with the p90x, I'll be good to go. I don't know... but it sucked to get the news that we're delaying the possibility for another 6 months when I feel like I've been trying so hard already. To increase my determination, I have my next tattoo scheduled for March 30th at 2pm. My goal is to be 50 lbs down by then. Between eating and exercise, I should be good... as long as I don't eat like I have the last few days, that is. I'll post a vlog update soon, and hopefully be better about updating this on Mondays. It's really frustrating when I can't access blogger from work - I never want to get back on the computer once I'm home.