Be forewarned - "feelings" and "emotions" and junk

Last Week’s Weight: 221.4

This week’s weight 222.4

 

YARGH.

 

Be forewarned – “feelings” and “emotions” below.

 

According to my tracker, I’m losing an average of .3 lbs/week. Which again, isn’t bad, but when I started I was losing 2.5 lbs/week on average. This is so incredibly frustrating to me! I am tracking points, not overeating, drinking ridiculous amounts of water, and I even started exercising a bit in the form of taking my dog for walks. I’m hoping that it’s just water weight from walking the dog (my foot and ankle are crazy swollen right now) from walking Jake, but I’m not so sure it is. I know that I’m feeling it in my shins, for sure. I’m working on stretching, and also using some cross friction fiber across the ligaments themselves, but nothing seems to be helping quite yet. My legs have been relatively skinny for the past week or so, so I’m feeling extra grumpy that they’re swollen and grotesque looking again. I feel SO self conscious about it.

 

Anyways, self consciousness semi aside – last Thursday I went to the Weight Loss Surgery seminar at Deaconess Rockwood. It’s the first step towards being considered for review for weight loss surgery. It was a 2 hour long seminar, and I actually learned quite a bit. When I get home, I may post my answers to the questions I had last week. But basically, I learned I’ll have to be off of work for about a week, and considered “good as new” 6 weeks after surgery. I will be able to eat half a cup of food at a time, and will probably eat around 5 half cup meals a day. I can be expected to lose an average of 48% of my excess body weight (I am roughly 60 lbs overweight, so that would be 28.8 lbs), but could definitely lose more with exercise and proper nutrition. I got to see a sample of the band, pictures of where scarring would be, and they also went over some of the scarier side effects and their occurrence within their practice (virtually nothing). The only thing that I didn’t’ like so much is that they recommend waiting 18-24 months after surgery before trying to get pregnant, and if I were to have surgery, the soonest I could get it done would be June… so I’d have to wait a bit longer than originally planned to start trying. So instead of June 2013, it’d be January or June of 2014, but the surgeon says it varies from person to person. I should mention Tyler is totally against me having the surgery.

 

I did turn in my paperwork so that I can at least have a consultation with one of the surgeons, and see if I qualify, when I can try for kids, what might be best for me, etc. It was so strangely emotional watching the presentation – I had this mix of hope and fear, all at once, and felt like crying the ENTIRE time. I just know that I want to lose my excess weight so bad, one way or another… sigh.

 

Back to my negative self talk – I have been just totally disgusted with myself as of late, from my weight to my appearance overall. It’s really disheartening, but I feel like an incredibly self-depreciating Eeyore or something. I’m mostly doing stuff to distract myself like sew, but I’m finding anything that involves expending energy is pretty difficult, since I’m so tired from being depressed. But – I took Jakey for a walk as I mentioned, and that put both he and I in brighter spirits, as well as tiring us both out – so it’s my goal to try to walk him at least 3 days a week, preferably daily, so I’m prepared for Bloomsday and also have a way to make myself too tired to be sad. Fake it til you make it, right? I’m just tired of being back to that place where I feel like constantly crying.

 

I’ve been talking with a few people close to me about what it’s like for me to be overweight. I don’t know if that vulnerability in sharing is making me more emotional, or what. I’m proud of what I’ve done so far weight wise, but I am just so frustrated that I have reached a plateau. Most of the people I know around me are skinny, and they are constantly obsessing over food, portions, exercise, etc, one even to the point of anorexia. It doesn’t seem healthy to me the way that they do it… I’m trying not to name names, because some of them may read this blog, lol – but it’s frustrating to see/hear them so worried about a figure that is either underweight or at most a few pounds overweight… and then when my weight is brought up, I always hear “Oh, no! You look awesome! You’re not fat!” My dad said this the other day, and then said “Wait –how much do you weigh, since you’re always so worried about it?” My answer – 224. His response “Woah. That’s 60 lbs more than me!” Errr…. Thanks, Dad. =/ He didn’t mean any harm by it, but it still kinda stung. But anyways, nobody I’ve talked with thus far really seems to support my decision for weight loss surgery except for Doe, so that’s frustrating in and of itself. Everyone is worried about the physical risks and timing, or as one person helpfully put it “I was going to suggest that you get it done, but wait to have a kid first!”

 

So, anyways, that’s going to be my update for now. I’ve done enough self pitying and whining for now.